Handling Stress
Each
of the Stress Triggers can
throw us into a mental state of anxiety and frustration. So, what can
you do to handle frustrations?
F
R evisit
the issue and figure out why it wasn’t resolved. Face the issue.
U nderstand
the fears you attached to the event.
T ake
it at a manageable pace. Slow down and
walk, not run.
R efuse
to walk away until you have solved the problem.
A sk
for help if you can’t get it done on your own.
This shows you are serious.
T ruth
is critical. Most people aren’t honest
about their emotions and frustrations.
I nternal
discipline is a must. Many people talk
themselves out of finishing.
O pen yourself to being
challenged.
N ever procrastinate. I repeat . . . Never
procrastinate! Whatever problems
are causing your frustrations; don’t put off your game plan for solving
them. Do it – TODAY!
(Source: Richard Flint Seminars)
Worry Grid
Can Control Can’t
Control
|
Important |
Important |
|
Not
Important |
Not
Important |
"The
more stress there is to be relieved the easier it can be to
relieve
it" - Dave Fitzgerald
:-)
Only 15% of employees are fired for poor performance: 85% are fired for their
inability to get along with others. How does it affect employee morale? What's
it costing you and the organization?
:-)
Whether it be the physical effects or the emotional effects, "stress"
kills slowly. It either kills the sufferer (the employee) or it kills the
bottom-line of the company. The only thing you have control of is how *you* are
going to deal with it.
Laughter
is the opposite of stress. Both are reactions to things not going the way we
think they should be going. But in stress we perceive this incongruity as
threatening; in humor we do not. Try the exercise below and experience it for
yourself.
Exercise:
Sit in a rigid chair and grab the edges of the chair as tightly as you can.
Tense all the muscles in your body, (chest, shoulders, arms, legs, neck and face).
Now holding that body tension, LAUGH out loud. Could you maintain that tension
in your body and laugh at the same time? NO, you couldn't. You either held
tension and didn't laugh or you had to
let go of the tension in order to laugh.
*Next
time you feel yourself tensing up because of stress, take a laughter break.
Just allow yourself to laugh out loud even if for a few seconds because it will
break your tension and hopefully help you to re-focus yourself.*
Coping With Job Stress
At
a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas
Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example of a coping skill for job
stress which I would like to share with you.
When
you have had one of those 'Take This Job And Shove It' days, try this:
On
your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where
they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by
"Q-tip". Be sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock
your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be
disturbed during your therapy.
Change
to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.
Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the thermometer, and
carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or
broken.
Take
the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you
will notice in small print the statement that says "every rectal
thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY tested.
Now
close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not
work in quality control at the Q-tip company."
MORAL:
Look for the good things about your workplace and give thanks for things you
don't have to do at work.
"Technological Stress"
"I
got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a spell checker and I
can't write without it anymore. I got a blow dryer and now my hair won't dry on
its own." - Unknown
:-)
Is technology stressing you out? Are your communication devices plotting to
take over your life?
:-)
It was only 20 years ago when we didn't have personal computers, fax machines,
pagers, cell phones and the Internet in our lives.
We
think that all these wonderful devices are going to make our lives easier, but
I've found they can make our lives even more stressful if we don't manage to
set some limits with it all. There needs to be a deliberate act of letting go
so you can re-enter the rest of your life otherwise those technical gremlins
will continue to nibble away at your life.
So
the next time you feel your technology starting to take over your life, draw
the line with it. Turn off your cell phone, pager, computer, etc.. and lock
them in your office back away while telling them to STAY! You'll be exercising
your right to turn off everything in a lighthearted way. Don't worry they will
still be there when you return.
|
The
Best Time of My Life It was June
15, and in two days I would be turning thirty. I was insecure about entering
a new decade of my life and feared that my best years were now behind me. My daily
routine included going to the gym for a workout before going to work. Every
morning I would see my friend Nicholas at the gym. He was seventy-nine years
old and in terrific shape. As I greeted Nicholas on this particular day, he
noticed I wasn’t full of my usual vitality and asked if there was anything
wrong. I told him I was feeling anxious about turning thirty. I wondered how
I would look back on my life once I reached Nicholas’s age, so I asked him,
"What was the best time of your life?" Without
hesitation, Nicholas replied, "Well, Joe, this is my philosophical
answer to your philosophical question: "When I
was a child in "When I
was going to school and learning the things I know today, that was the best
time of my life. "When I
got my first job and had responsibilities and got paid for my efforts, that
was the best time of my life. "When I
met my wife and fell in love, that was the best time of my life. "The
Second World War came, and my wife and I had to flee "When
we came to "When I
was a young father, watching my children grow up, that was the best time of
my life. "And
now, Joe, I am seventy-nine years old. I have my health, I feel good and I am
in love with my wife just as I was when we first met. This is the best time
of my life." By Joe Kemp from A 5th Portion of Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1998 by Jack
Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen |
|
|
If I Had My
Life to Live Over
I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax. I would limber
up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I
would take fewer things seriously. I would take more
chances. I would take more trips. I would climb more
mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and
fewer beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles but
I'd have fewer imaginary ones. You
see, I'm one of those people who live sensibly and sanely
hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I've had my moments and if I had
it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try
to have nothing else. Just moments. One after another, instead of living
so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those people who never
go anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a
raincoat and a parachute. If I had my life to live over, I
would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the
fall. If I had it to do again, I would travel lighter
next time. I would go to more dances. I would ride more
merry-go-rounds. I would pick more
daisies. By Nadine Stair (age 85)
from Condensed Chicken
Soup for the Soul
I N S T R U C T I O N S F O R L I F E
1.
Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3.
Follow the three Rs:
Respect for self
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.
4.
Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of
luck.
5.
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8.
Spend some time alone.
9.
Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer
11.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be
able to enjoy it a second time.
12.
A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. Do all you
can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
13.
In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't
bring up the past.
14.
Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15.
Be gentle with the earth.
16.
Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17.
Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other
exceeds your need for each other
18.
Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19.
Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
|
Hurry Sickness |
Wake-up,
Brain ... it's Monday again!
Brought
to you by the Innovation Network
As
the "lazy days of summer" (did you have even one of those mythical
days?)
come to an end, we begin to gear back up for fall -- school, new
projects,
planning for the coming year. We can almost feel the pace of
our
days quickening as the fall air turns crisper.
This
might be our last opportunity to think about the cost
of
this increase in tempo ... a cost sometimes known as
"hurry
sickness." One article by Dr. Ann McGee-Cooper calls
this
phenomenon an epidemic too often resulting in heart
disease,
high blood pressure or depression of the immune
function.
Dr.
Larry Dossey in his book "Space, Time &
Medicine,"
states,
"The perceptions of passing time that we observe from
our
external clocks cause our internal clocks to run faster."
In
our hurry-up world, it sometimes seems like the last thing we have time
to
do is take time. Here's a check list from Dr. McGee-Cooper to see if
you
have this thing called "hurry sickness":
Do
you:
o
typically drive 5 or more miles per hour over the speed limit?
o
get impatient in meetings when someone goes on a tangent?
o
find it difficult to respect people who are chronically late?
o
rush to be the first in line even when it doesn't matter?
o
view "hanging out" as a waste of time?
o
often rush or hurry your children or spouse?
If
you answered "yes" to all or most of those questions, you might want
to
spend
some time planning some slow time. You might also look at the lives
of
your children ... some studies show that children have as little as 20
minutes
a day in unstructured time. Where do they find time to day dream,
doodle
and watch clouds drift across the sky?
Recently
as I contemplated time, I wrote the following poem which I thought I'd
share with you.
In
the meantime, find some slow time.
Time
by Joyce Wycoff
Fifty
years and four have
flown
past my door.
I
no longer have time
to
not have time.
I
do not have time to zoom past a field of flowers
glowing
orange in the morning sun.
I
do not have time to travel the world seeking
the
wonders to be found in my own backyard.
I
do not have time
to
come back later
Or
do it tomorrow
for
tomorrow may never be.
I
do not have time
to
not slow down,
to
put off a poem, delay a hug
or walk past a prayer.
I
no longer have time,
for
now, time has me.
THE PARADOX OF OUR AGE
We have taller buildings,
but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more,
but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.
We have bigger houses and
smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but
less common sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more
problems; more medicine, but less wellness.
We spend too recklessly,
laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late,
get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our
possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too
seldom and lie too often.
We've learned how to make a
living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.
We've been all the way to
the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new
neighbor.
We've conquered outer
space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things;
we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not
our prejudice; we write more, but learn less; plan more, but accomplish
less.
We've learned to rush, but
not to wait; we have higher incomes; but lower morals; more food but less
appeasement; more acquaintances, but fewer friends; more effort but less
success.
We build more computers to
hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but have less
communication; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.
These are the times of fast
foods and slow digestion; tall men and short character; steep profits and
shallow relationships.
These are the times of
world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure and less fun; more kinds of
food, but less nutrition.
These are days of two
incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick
trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one-night stands, and pills that
do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.
It
is a time when there is much in the show window, and nothing in the stockroom.
How You Can Affect 1 Person
Sometimes you just never know what kind on impact you may have on
someone's life!
One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw
a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked
like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would
anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd." I
had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends
tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running
toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and
tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them
land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible
sadness in his eyes.
My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him
and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.
As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really
should get lives." He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There
was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real
gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where
he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never
seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have
never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home,
and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked
him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends. He said yes. We
hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and
my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge
stack of books again. I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of
books everyday!" He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best
friends. When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on
Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all
the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was
so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak. Graduation day, I saw
Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself
during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.
He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved
him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous. Today was one of those days. I could see
that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said,
"Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of those
looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.
"Thanks," he said. As he started his
speech, he cleared his throat, and began. "Graduation is a time to thank
those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your
teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach, but mostly your friends. I am here to
tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give
them. I am going to tell you a story."
I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told
the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the
weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't
have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and
gave me a little smile. "Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from
doing the unspeakable." I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this
handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and
dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment
did I realize it's depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions. With
one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse.
God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one
another in some way. Look for God in others.
"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when
our wings have trouble remembering how to fly." There is no beginning or
end. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift.
What It Means To Be Poor
One
day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the
country
with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be.
They
spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be
considered
a very poor family.
On
their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the
trip?"
"It
was great, Dad."
"Did
you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.
"Oh
Yeah" said the son.
"So
what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The
son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a
pool
that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that
has
no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars
at
night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We
have a
small
piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our
sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have
walls around our property to
protect
us, they have friends to protect them."
With
this the boy's father was speechless.
Then
his son added, "Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are."
Too
many times we forget what we have and concentrate on what we don't have.
What
is one person's worthless object is another's prize possession. It is
all
based on one's perspective.
Makes
you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for all the bounty
we
have, instead of worrying about wanting more.
Take joy in all you have, especially your friends.
LAUGHTER IS GOOD FOR YOUR
HEART, ACCORDING TO A NEW UNIVERSITY OF
Laughter,
along with an active sense of humor, may help protect you against a heart
attack, according to a new study by cardiologists at the University of Maryland
Medical Center in
comes to protecting your heart," says Michael Miller, M.D., F.A.C.C.,
director of the Center for Preventive Cardiology at the University of Maryland
Medical Center. "We don't know yet why laughing protects the heart, but we
know that mental stress is associated with impairment of the endothelium, the
protective barrier lining our blood vessels. This can cause a series of
inflammatory reactions that lead to fat and cholesterol build-up in the
coronary arteries and ultimately to a heart attack," says Dr. Miller who
is also an associate professor
of medicine at the University of Maryland School of Medicine.
Try this
A
fun "personality check". You really do need to draw the pig for
it
to work though. Have fun. It'll lighten your day!!!!
Try
this. Don't cheat.........it's interesting!
On
a blank piece of paper draw a pig. Then scroll down and read
the
interpretation of your pig!! Draw your pig first! and don't
look
at the next part until you are done! It won't be fun if you look
Go
get a piece of paper and draw a pig.
The
pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the person who drew
it.
If
the pig is drawn:
*Toward
the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic.
*Toward the middle, you are a realist.
*Toward the bottom, you are a pessimist and
have a tendency to behave negatively.
*Facing left, you believe in tradition, are
friendly, and remember
dates. (birthdays, <etc.)
*Facing right, you are innovative and active,
but don't have a
strong sense of family, nor do you remember dates.
*Facing front ,(looking at you) you are
direct, enjoy playing
devil's advocate, and neither fear nor avoid discussions.
*With many details, you are analytical,
cautious, and distrustful.
*With few details, you are emotional and
naive, you care little
for details and are a risk taker.
*With less than four legs showing, you are
insecure or are living
through a period of major change.
*With four legs showing, you are secure,
stubborn, and stick to your ideals.
*The size of the ears indicates how good a
listener you are. The bigger, the better.
*The length of the tail indicates the quality
of your sex life!!!!
And again, more is better!!!!!
*OK , who didn't draw a tail?
Find
out how old you really are
http://www.realage.com/index.asp?memberId=&refer=&raprog
The Station by Robert J. Hastings
Tucked
away in our subconscious minds is an idyllic vision in which we see ourselves
on a long journey that spans an entire continent. We're traveling by
train, and from the windows, we drink in the passing scenes of cars on nearby
highways, of children waving at crossing, of cattle grazing in distant
pastures, of smoke pouring from power plants, of row upon row of cotton and
corn and wheat, of flat lands and valleys, of city skylines and village halls.
But
uppermost in our minds is our final destination - for at a certain hour and on
a given day, our train will finally pull into the station with bells ringing,
flags waving and bands playing.
And
once that day comes, so many wonderful dreams will come true. So
restlessly, we pace the aisles and count the miles, peering ahead, waiting,
waiting, waiting for the station.
“Yes,
when we reach the station, that will be it!" we promise ourselves.
"When we're 18.. win that promotion...put the last kid through college...
buy
that 450SL Mercedes-Benz ...pay off the mortgage ...have a nest egg for
retirement." From that day on, we will all live happily ever after.
Sooner
or later, however, we must realize there is no station in this life, no one
earthly place to arrive at once and for all. The journey is the joy.
The
station is all illusion - it constantly outdistances us.
DANCE LIKE NO ONE'S
WATCHING
On a philosophical
note...(this is good to remember)
We convince ourselves that
life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are
frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they
are. After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal
with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.
We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or
her act together, when we >get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice
vacation, when we retire.
The truth is, there's no
better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will
always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and
decide to be happy anyway.
One of my favorite quotes
comes from Alfred D Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed
to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some
obstacle in the way, something to be gotten
through first, some
unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life
would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."
FIVE GREAT LESSONS Life Teaches You...
1
~ Most Important Lesson
During
my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a
conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the
last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the
school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman
several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I
know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.
Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count
toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In
your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your
attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'."
"I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was
Dorothy.
Second
Important Lesson ~ Pickup in the Rain
One
night, at
was
attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the
highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also
my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my
dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for
helping me and unselfishly serving others." Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King
Cole.
Third
Important Lesson ~ Always remember those who serve you
In
the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a
hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in
front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.
"Fifty
cents,"
replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket
and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice
cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and
the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she
brusquely replied." The little boy again counted his coins.
"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought
the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy
finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back,
she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside
the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies -You see, he couldn't have
the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
Fourth
Important Lesson ~ The Obstacle in Our Path
In
ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid
himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of
the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around
it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear. But none
did anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then
a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the
boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the
side of the road.
After
much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant
picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse laying in the road where
the boulder had been.
The
purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the
gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant
learned what many of us never understand. Every obstacle presents an
opportunity to improve our condition.
Fifth
Important Lesson ~ Giving When it Counts
Many
years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little
girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her
only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old
brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the
antibodies needed to combat the illness.
The
doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy
if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.
I saw
him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying,
"Yes, I'll do it if it will save her.." As the
transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all
did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his
smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice,
"Will I start to die right away?"
Being
young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he wasgoing to have to give his sister all of his blood in
order to save her. You see understanding and attitude, after all, is everything.
Making a Living
One
day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped
up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He
was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a
fish.
About
that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of
the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and
decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to
make a living for himself and his family.
"You
aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the
fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The
fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will
my reward be?"
"Well,
you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's
answer.
"And
then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The
businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a
boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then
what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The
businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's
questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for
you!" he said.
"And
then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The
businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a
fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees
catch fish for you!"
Once
again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The
businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you
understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for
your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this
beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The
fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said..."And what do you think I'm
doing right now ?"
Happiness
isn't something you experience; it's something you
remember." (Oscar Levant
Rules of Life
Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are....
1.
Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2.
You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should,
use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't,
use the tape.
3.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I
apologize" and "You are right."
4.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5.
When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while
it's still warm.
6.
The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You
might meet somebody!"
7.
If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
8.
Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now?
How about one month? One week? One day?'
9.
Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11.
Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or
former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12.
Work is good, but it's not that important.
13.
And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are
going to need them to empty your bedpan
TIPS FOR A LIFETIME
Stuff
a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream
drips.
Use
a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake
batter onto the hot griddle-perfect shaped pancakes every time.
To
keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
To
prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before
hard-boiling.
Run
your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies
treats in the pan-the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers.
To
get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and
roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
To
easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of
dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on
stove-top-skillet will be much easier to clean now.
Spray
your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based
sauces-no more stains.
When
a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix
instead-no white mess on the outside of the cake.
If
you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled
potato-it absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".
Wrap
celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator-it will keep for
weeks.
Brush
beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful, glossy
finish.
Place
a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it back up.
When
boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corns
natural sweetness.
To
determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool,
salted Water. If it sinks, it is fresh-if it rises to the surface,
throw it away.
Cure
for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go.
Don't
throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future
use in casseroles and sauces.
If
you have problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Potatoes
will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the
stains and rinse with water.
To
get rid of itch from mosquito bite: try applying soap on the area instant
relief.
Ants,
ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line.
So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend
to march-see for yourself.
Use
air-freshener to clean mirrors: It does a good job and better still, leave a
lovely smell to the shine.
When
you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers
or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off
Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
NOW
Look what you can do with Alka Seltzer: Clean a
toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush, and
flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
Clean
a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill
with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
Polish
jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the
jewelry for two minutes.
Clean
a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer
tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
Unclog
a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down
the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes,
then run the hot water.
What I
AM THANKFUL.....
for
the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.
for
the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded
by friends.
for
the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough
to eat.
for
my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
for
a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that
need fixing because it means I have a home.
for
all the complaining I hear about government because it means we have
freedom of speech.
for
the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am
capable of walking.
for
my huge heating bill because it means I am warm.
for
the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I
can hear.
for
the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes
to wear.
for
weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means that
I have been productive.
for
the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that
I am alive.
for
getting too much e-mail because it lets me know I have friends who are
thinking of me.
Thankful
for the tired mornings because it means I have a baby to wake me up in the
middle of the night to be fed.
Anna Quindlen's Villanova Commencement Address
It's
a great honor for me to be the third member of my family to receive an honorary
doctorate from this great university. It's an honor to follow my great-Uncle
Jim, who was a gifted physician, and my Uncle Jack, who is a remarkable
businessman. Both of them could have told you something important about their
professions, about medicine or commerce. I have no specialized field of
interest or expertise, which puts me at a disadvantage, talking to you today.
I'm a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know.
Don't
ever confuse the two, your life and your work. The second is only part of the
first. Don't ever forget what a friend once wrote Senator Paul Tsongas when the
senator decided not to run for reelection because he'd been diagnosed with cancer: "No
man ever said on his deathbed I wish I had spent more time in the office."
Don't
ever forget the words my father sent me on a postcard last year: "If you
win the rat race, you're still a rat." Or what John Lennon wrote before he
was gunned down in the driveway of the Dakota: "Life is what happens while
you are busy making other plans."
You
walk out of here this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There
will be hundreds of people out there with your same degree; there will be thousands
of people doing what you want to do for a living. But you will be the only
person alive who has sole custody of your life. Your particular life. Your
entire life. Not just your life at a desk, or your life on a bus, or in a car,
or at the computer. Not just the life of your mind, but the life of your heart.
Not just your bank account, but your soul.
People
don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's so much easier to write a
resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is a cold comfort on a winter
night, or when you're sad, or broke, or lonely, or when you've gotten back the
test results and they're not so good.
Here
is my resume. I am a good mother to three children. I have tried never to let
my profession stand in the way of being a good parent. I no longer consider
myself the center of the universe. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh.
I
am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make marriage vows mean what
they say. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh. I am a good friend to my friends,
and they to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today,
because I would be a cardboard cutout. But I call them on the phone, and I meet
them for lunch. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh.
I
would be rotten, or at best mediocre at my job, if those other things were not
true. You cannot be really first rate at your work if your work is all you are.
So
here's what I wanted to tell you today: get a life. A real life, not a manic
pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger paycheck, the larger house. Do you
think you'd care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one
afternoon, or found a lump in your breast?
Get
a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on a breeze
over
Get
a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you. And
remember that love is not leisure; it is work. Each time you look at your
diploma, remember that you are still a student, still learning how to best
treasure your connection to others.
Pick
up the phone. Send an e-mail. Write a letter. Kiss your Mom. Hug your Dad.
Get
a life in which you are generous. Look around at the azaleas in the suburban
neighborhood where you grew up; look at a full moon hanging silver in a black,
black sky on a cold night. And realize that life is the best thing ever, and
that you have no business taking it for granted.
Care
so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around. Take money you
would have spent on beers and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Be a
big brother or sister. All of you want to do well. But if you do not do well,
too, then doing well will never be enough.
It
is so easy to waste our lives: our days, our hours, our minutes. It is so easy
to take for granted the color of the azaleas, the sheen of the limestone on
Fifth Avenue, the color of our kids' eyes, the way the melody in a symphony
rises and falls and disappears and rises again. It is so easy to exist instead
of live.
I
learned to live many years ago. Something really, really bad happened to me,
something that changed my life in ways that, if I had my druthers, it would
never have been changed at all. And what I learned from it is what, today,
seems to be the hardest lesson of all.
I
learned to love the journey, not the destination. I learned that it is not a
dress rehearsal, and that today is the only guarantee you get.
I
learned to look at all the good in the world and to try to give some of it back
because I believed in it completely and utterly. And I tried to do that, in
part, by telling others what I had learned. By telling them this: Consider the
lilies of the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear.
Read
in the backyard with the sun on your face. Learn to be happy. And think of life
as a terminal illness because if you do you will live it with joy and passion
as it ought to be lived.
Well,
you can learn all those things, out there, if you get a real life, a full life,
a professional life, yes, but another life, too, a life of love and laughs and
a connection to other human beings.
Just
keep you eyes and ears open. Here you could learn in the classroom. There the
classroom is everywhere. The exam comes at the very end.
No
man ever said on his deathbed I wish I had spent more time at the office.
I
found one of my best teachers on the boardwalk at
But
he told me that most of the time he stayed on the boardwalk, facing the water,
just the way we were sitting now, even when it got cold and he had to wear his
newspapers after he read them.
And
I asked him why. Why didn't he go to one of the shelters? Why didn't he check
himself into the hospital for detox? And he just
stared out at the ocean and said, "Look at the view, young lady. Look at
the view." And every day, in some little way, I try to do what he said.
I
try to look at the view. And that's the last thing I have to tell you today,
words of wisdom from a man with not a dime in his pocket, no place to go,
nowhere to be.
Look
at the view. You'll never be disappointed.
A Message from Paul Harvey
We
tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For
my grandchildren, I'd like better. I'd really like for them to know about
hand-me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meatloaf sandwiches. I
really would. My cherished grandson, I hope you learn humility by being humiliated,
and that you learn honesty by being cheated. I hope you learn to make your bed
and mow the lawn and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand
new car when you are sixteen. I hope you have a job by then.
It
will be good if at least one time you can see a baby calf born and your old dog
put to sleep. I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother. And it's all
right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants
to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.
When you want to see a Disney movie and your little brother wants to tag along,
I hope you'll let him.
I
hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a
town where you can do it safely. On rainy days when you have to catch a ride I
hope your driver doesn't have to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen
riding with someone as uncool as your mom. If you
want a slingshot, I hope your dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying
one.
I
hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books. When you learn to use those
newfangled computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head. I
hope your friends razz you when you have your first crush on a girl, and when
you talk back to your mother that you learn what Ivory soap tastes like.
May
you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on the stove and stick
your tongue on a frozen flagpole. I hope you get sick when someone blows cigar
smoke in your face. I don't care if you try beer once, but I hope you don't
like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is
not your friend.
I
sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your grandpa and go fishing with
your uncle. May you feel sorrow at a funeral and the joy of holidays. I hope
your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through a neighbor's window
and that she hugs you and kisses you at Christmas time when you give her a
plaster of Paris mold of your hand.
These
things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and
happiness. Are we friends or are we not? You told me once but I forgot. So
tell me now and tell me true. So I can say....... "I'm here for you."
Of all the friends I've ever met, you're the one I won't forget. And if I die
before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.
Send
this to all of your friends that mean the most to you and let them know that
they are your good friend! "We secure our friends not by accepting favors
but by doing them." I Really Liked This. Hope You Do Too These things I
wish for each of you By Paul Harvey
|
Funnies |
It
is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on
the cost of living.
Just
remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
We
are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The
50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It
is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would
be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing
stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You
can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest
survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If
the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eat
right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The
things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got
there first.
Give
a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in
a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight:
A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin:
A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As
long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
When
you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
A
fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It
was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The
only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everybody
lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I
wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I
started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When
you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that
weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light
travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear
them speak.
I've learned....
that
the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've
learned.... that when you're in love, it shows.
I've
learned.... that just one person saying to me, "You've made my
day!" makes my day.
I've
learned.... that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the
most
peaceful
feelings in the world.
I've
learned.... that being kind is more important than being right.
I've
learned.... that you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've
learned.... that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the
strength to help him in some other way.
I've
learned.... that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone
needs
a friend to act goofy with.
I've
learned....that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to
understand.
I've
learned.... that simple walks with my father around the block on summer
nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've
learned.... that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the
end, the faster it goes.
I've
learned.... that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've
learned.... that money doesn't buy class.
I've
learned.... that it's those small daily happenings that make life so
spectacular.
I've
learned.... that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be
appreciated and loved.
I've learned... that the Lord
didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
I've
learned.... that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've
learned.... that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting
that person continue to hurt you.
I've
learned.... that love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've
learned.... that the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround
myself with people smarter than I am.
I've
learned.... that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've
learned.... that there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and
feeling their breath on your cheeks.
I've
learned.... that no one is perfect until you fall in love with him or her.
I've
learned.... that life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've
learned....that opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you
miss.
I've
learned....that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've
learned.... that I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more
time before she passed away.
I've
learned...that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow
he may have to eat them.
I've
learned... that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've
learned...that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
I've
learned.... that when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger
in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've
learned... that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the
happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've
learned....that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is
requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.
I've
learned...that the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
A Real Mom - How true!!!!
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in
his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in
the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
The
lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In
the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family
room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes
filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was
spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile
of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping
over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she
may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in
the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her
bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from
work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
TRIBUTE TO THE UNITED STATES
This,
from a Canadian newspaper, is worth sharing.
Widespread
but only partial news coverage was given recently to a remarkable editorial
broadcast from
"This
Canadian thinks it is time to speak up for the Americans as the most
generous and possibly the least
appreciated
people on all the earth.
When
reward
was to be insulted and swindled on the streets of
When
earthquakes hit distant cities, it is the
American
communities were flattened by tornadoes. Nobody helped.
The
Marshall Plan and the Truman Policy pumped billions of dollars into
discouraged countries. Now
newspapers
in those countries are writing about the decadent, warmongering Americans.
I'd
like to see just one of those countries that is gloating over the erosion
of the
dollar
build its own airplane. Does any other country in the world have a plane
to equal the Boeing Jumbo
Jet,
the Lockheed Tri-Star, or the
Why
does no other land on earth even consider putting a man or woman on the
moon? You talk about Japanese technocracy, and you get radios. You talk
about German technocracy, and you get automobiles.
You
talk about American technocracy, and you find men on the moon - not once,
but several times -
and
safely home again.
You
talk about scandals, and the Americans put theirs right in the store
window for everybody to look at.
Even
their draft-dodgers are not pursued and hounded. They are here on our
streets, and most of them, unless
they
are breaking Canadian laws, are getting American dollars from ma and pa at
home to spend here.
When
the railways of
who
rebuilt them. When the Pennsylvania Railroad and the New York Central went
broke, nobody loaned them an old caboose. Both are still broke.
I
can name you 5000 times when the Americans raced to the help of other
people in trouble. Can you name
me
even one time when someone else raced to the Americans in trouble? I don't
think there was outside
help
even during the
Our
neighbors have faced it alone, and I'm one Canadian who is damned tired of
hearing them get kicked around. They will come out of this thing
with their flag high. And when they do, they are entitled to thumb
their nose at the lands that are gloating over their present troubles. I
hope
Stand
proud,
Top 15 Things That God Won't Ask
4. God won't ask about your social status, but will
ask what kind of class you displayed.
5. God won't ask how many material possessions you
had, but will ask if they dictated your life.
6. God won't ask what your highest salary
was, but will ask if you compromised your character to obtain that salary.
7. God won't ask how much overtime you
worked, but will ask if you worked overtime for your family and loved ones.
8. God won't ask how many promotions you
received, but will ask how you promoted others.
9. God won't ask what your job title was,
but will ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.
10. God won't ask what you did to help
yourself, but will ask what you did to help others.
11. God won't ask how many friends you had,
but will ask how many people to whom you were a true friend.
12. God won't ask what you did to protect
your rights, but will ask what you did to protect the rights of others.
13. God won't ask in what neighborhood you
lived, but will ask how you treated your neighbors.
14. God won't ask about the color of your
skin, but will ask about the content of your character.
15. God won't ask how many times your deeds
matched your words, but how your words matched your deeds.
Planting the
Wouldn't
this be nice?
Plant
three rows of peas:
Peace
of mind
Peace
of heart
Peace
of soul
Plant
four rows of squash:
Squash
gossip
Squash
indifference
Squash
grumbling
Squash
selfishness
Plant
four rows of lettuce:
Lettuce
be faithful
Lettuce
be kind
Lettuce
be happy
Lettuce
really love one another
No
garden should be without turnips ("turn up"):
Turnip
for service when needed
Turnip
to help one another
Turnip
the music and dance
Water
freely with patience and cultivate with love. There is much fruit in your
garden Because you reap what you sow. To conclude our garden
We
must have thyme:
Thyme
for fun
Thyme
for rest
Thyme
for ourselves
Pretty
nice garden, don't you think?
Subject:
Old is When......
"Old" is when......your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make
love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
...your
friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
...the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis.
...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door
nearest your car.
...you remember when the
...going
bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go
along.
...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber
today.
..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
... an "all nighter" means not getting up
to pee!
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man.
Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
Secrets of having a happy marriage
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a
week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food.....
She
goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
~~~~~~~~~~
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Some where I have never been!" I told her, "How about
the kitchen?"
~~~~~~~~~~
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
~~~~~~~~~~
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker.
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So I
bought her an electric chair.
~~~~~~~~~~
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" "No, jump in!" said the truck driver.
~~~~~~~~~~
A husband said to his wife, "Your
mother has been living with us 5 years now. Isn't it time that she got herself
her own apartment?" "My
mother?" said the shocked wife, "I thought she was your mother."
~~~~~~~~~~
A couple had three children. Two of them
were bright, smart and handsome but the third child was dull, ugly and
backward. One day the hubby got suspicious and asked, "Tell me the
truth dear, is this third
child really mine?" "Yes,
dear," replied the wife, " but the other two are not."
~~~~~~~~~~
One day a father called his 6 children
together and asked, "Now tell me, who has been most obedient during last
week and did everything mother asked?" In one voice they all replied,
"You, daddy."
~~~~~~~~~~
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying
himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him
on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. He asks, "What was that
for?"
She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the
name Marylou written on it?" He
says, "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She is appeared and
goes off to work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats
the frying pan swatting. He says, "What's that for this time?"
She answered, "Your horse just called."
The 18 Most Common Self-Defeating Behaviors in Business
by Dr. Mark Goulston
1.
Procrastinating: If you're always late on completing things, people stop
relying on you; soon they start resenting you.
2.
Getting involved with the wrong people: Yes, there are bad people in the world.
If you keep giving them the benefit of the doubt, you'll be the one who has to
clean up the mess.
3.
Saying yes when you want to say no: It will result in burnout, loss of
credibility, and loss of respect from others and yourself.
4.
Assuming others don't want anything in return: It is human nature to almost
always want something in return, even when people say they don't. Thinking
ahead about what that might be can save you problems when others try to
collect.
5.
Playing it safe: The world is in a rapid state of change. Doing the same old
thing over and over and expecting it to be good enough may turn out not to be
so safe after all.
6.
Always having to be right: Know-it-alls who don't know what they're talking
about are jerks, whereas know-it-alls who do know what they're talking about
are merely asses. Always having to be right can create so much
resentment
that you'd better always be right, because you're building a constituency of
people who can't wait to see you fall on your face.
7.
Focusing on what others are doing wrong: This is a demotivating
habit. Focusing on what the other person is not doing makes it difficult for
you to keep trying hard.
8.
Not learning from your mistakes: Successful people don't make fewer mistakes
than unsuccessful people, but they repeat fewer mistakes.
9.
Talking when nobody's listening: This leads you to think that what you have
said is going to be done, when in fact it's not. To make matters worse, you
have to repeat the entire process. And this time you're going to be angry.
10.
Taking things too personally: When people take criticism too personally,
instead of seeing that it is about fixing a problem, the problem becomes larger
and takes longer to fix.
11.
Having unrealistic expectations: When you confuse what is reasonable with what
is realistic (it's reasonable to want to re-engineer your business; it's not
realistic to do it all at once), you set yourself up to fail.
12.
Trying to take care of everybody: You can't take care of everybody and do a
decent job. In attempting to take care of everyone, nobody, including yourself,
will be satisfied.
13.
Refusing to "play games": Politics, schmoozing, and small talk are
all necessary in order to succeed.
14.
Being envious of others: Teamwork is ruined when team members envy each other
to the extent that they root against each other.
15.
Quitting too soon: You have more control over trying or quitting than over
success or failure. If you always quit, you'll never succeed; if you always
try, you'll eventually succeed.
16.
Letting fear run your life: You were bad at science and math. The Internet is
coming whether you like it or not. If you let fear run your life, it just might
run you out of your job.
17.
Not moving on after a loss: When you spend more time NOT cutting your losses
than you do moving ahead, you can't move ahead.
18.
Not asking for what you need: What's important to you is not necessarily
important to others. If you don't ask for what you need - whether it's
something to help you do your job, or a promotion - you're leaving it to
other
people's imaginations. If you think your well being is a high priority to them,
you have a good imagination.
True Story
This
minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being
made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour and 25 minutes. When asked
about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.....
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures..... AND I
COULDN'T STOP TALKING!
EXPRESSIONS FOR A WOMAN'S
HIGH STRESS DAYS
1. You! Off my planet!!
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30
years.
7 Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
11. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens
up.
12. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
13. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you
weren't asleep
14. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
15 How many times do I have to flush before you go
away.
16. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
17. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
18. Can I trade this job for what's behind door
#2?
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done.
21. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends
deep inside the earth.
22. Earth is full. Go home.
23. Is it time for your medication or mine?
24. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
25. How do I set a laser printer to stun.
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
Ten of Life's Little
Lessons
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everyone has a philosophy about life. Maybe you think that life is hard. It
could be that you take life as it comes because after all, consider the
alternative.
=> You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours
for the entire period.
=> You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school
called life. Each day in this school, you will have the opportunity to learn
lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
=> There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and
error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part
of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works."
=> A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to
you in various forms until you have learned it. Then you can go on to the next
lesson.
=> Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not
contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
=> There" is no better than "here," When your
"there" has become a "here," you will simply obtain another
"there" that again, looks better than "here."
=> Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about
another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about
yourself.
=> What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and
resources you need; what you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
=> The answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside
you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
=> You will forget all this, probably sooner than later.
Basic Truths of Life
1. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
2. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
3. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
4. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
5. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built
the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
6. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
7. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
8. Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?
9. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just
sit there.
10. Politicians and diapers have one
thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same
reason.
11.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
12.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it
13.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
14.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
15.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
16.
I don't get even, I get odder.
17.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
18.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
19.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
20. My inferiority complex is not
as good as yours.
21. I am having an out of money
experience.
22. I plan on living forever.
So far, so good.
23. Not afraid of heights-afraid of
widths.
24. Practice safe eating-always use
condiments.
25. A day without sunshine is like
night.
26. I have kleptomania, but
when it gets bad, I take something for it.
27. If marriage were outlawed,
only outlaws would have in-laws
28. I am not a perfectionist.
My parents were, though.
29. Life is an endless
struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a
hair stylist you like.
30.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that
you once got from a roller coaster.
31. It's frustrating when you know all
the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
32. An optimist thinks that this is the
best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
33. There is always death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every year.
34. People will accept your ideas much
more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
35. It's easier to fight for one's
principles than to live up to them.
36. The real art of conversation is not
only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the
wrong thing at the tempting moment.
37. Age doesn't always bring
wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
38. Life not only begins at forty, it
begins to show.
I AM THANKFUL FOR
THE
TEENAGER WHO IS NOT DOING DISHESBUT IS WATCHING T.V., BECAUSE THAT
MEANS HE IS AT HOME AND NOT ON THE STREETS.
FOR THE TAXES THAT I PAY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM EMPLOYED.
FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT FRIENDS HAVE
SURROUNDED ME.
FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO
EAT.
FOR
MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK, BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.
FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED
FIXING, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.
FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT WE
HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT, BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND THAT I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.
FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL, BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.
FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH THAT SINGS OFF KEY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I
CAN HEAR.
FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.
FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.
FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I
AM ALIVE.
AND
FINALLY.......
FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.
Something little to be
reminded of.............
If
you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed
than the million who will not survive this week.
If
you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of
imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... you are
ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If
you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or
death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.
If
you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a
place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.
If
you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish
someplace...you are among the top 8% of the worlds wealthy.
If
your parents are still alive and still married...you are very rare, even in the
If
you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful...you
are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
If
you can hold someone's hand, hug him or her or even touch him or her on the
shoulder...you are blessed because you can offer healing touch.
If
you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone
was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two
billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
"The Twelve Stresses of The Holidays."
(by Leigh Anne Jasheway, Professor of Accidental
Humor)
================================================
1. Lower your expectations - Stop reading magazines that suggest you can do it
all this holiday! Read shampoo instructions instead, they don't put so much
pressure on you. "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."
You can do that!
2. Get help. You don't have to do this alone - call your friends, call your
relatives, call the people in your fear of gingerbread men group. Anyone who
can make your life simpler and more fun during the holidays.
3. If crowds of shoppers cause your blood pressure to boil, shop by catalog or
shop where there are fewer people, such as garage sales, small boutiques, and
your periodontist. Wouldn't your Aunt Sylvia just
love some bubble gum flavored floss?
4. Wear a funny button while shopping. "I know why Rudolph's nose is
red!" "Touched by an angel, I'm not saying where." "Give me
chocolate and no one gets hurt!"
5. Don't buy gifts for people you don't like. George W. Bush, your IRS agent,
Susan the truck driver from Survivor - take them off your list!
6. Negotiate agreements about holiday traditions. If half the family wants to
open gifts 12/24 and the other 12/25, agree to open them at another time, like
Labor Day.
7. Since you always revert to being a child during the holidays, go ahead and
sit at the children's table. Then when you throw your food and no one will be
surprised.
8. Admit that your family get togethers are less like
a Norman Rockwell picture and more like a Stephen King Novel. As long as
there's not a chalk outline under the mistletoe, consider yourself blessed.
9. Don't watch movies with unrealistic premises, such as It's a Wonderful Life;
instead watch movies that will cheer you up. You might pick your favorites from
the American Film Institute's Top 100 Comedies of the Century. Who says Young
Frankenstein isn't appropriate holiday fare?
10. If you don't have loved ones to be with, get together with friends or
co-workers and do fun things like caroling or getting holiday tattoos.
11. In order to prevent post-holiday stress, spend less now. Send funny cards
instead of gifts. Start a Humor Buddy Program, where making someone laugh is
your gift. Cut down on other unnecessary expenses
such as bikini waxing.
12. Start your holiday preparations early. Like when you're still in
kindergarten!
The Pessimist
An
optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An
optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the
negative in the positive.
For
example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search
ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.
Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He
decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and
invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks
flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the
water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to
retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day
long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to
retrieve it.
The
pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On
the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything
unusual about my new dog?"
"I
sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
10
Bad signs for a good teacher http://www.pacificnet.net/~mandel/joke.html
"Discouraged?"
As
I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little
League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I
sat down behind the bench on the first-baseline, I asked one of the boys
what the score was. "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a
smile.
"Really," I said. "I have to
say you don't look very discouraged." "Discouraged?" the boy asked with a
puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged?
We haven't been up to bat yet."
THE CRACKED WATER POT®
A water bearer in
For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and
a half pots full of water in his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was
proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which
it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and
miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to
do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the
water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I
want to apologize to you."
Why?" asked the bearer? "What are you ashamed of?" I have been
able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack
in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's
house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get
full value from your efforts," the pot said.
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he
said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the
beautiful flowers along the path."
Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the
sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this
cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it
had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for
its failure.
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were
flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side?
That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage
of
it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while
we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years, I have
been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table.
Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to
grace his house."
Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's
the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so
very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person
for what they are, and look for the good in them. There is a lot of good
out there. There is a lot of good in you! Blessed are the flexible, for
they shall not be bent out of shape.
Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life! Or as I like
to think of it--if it hadn't been for the crackpots in my life, it would have
been pretty boring and not so interesting...
Thank you all my crackpot friends.
Depression test http://www.queendom.com/tests/health/depression_access.html
)
What Humans can learn from
Dogs...
1.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
2.
Allow the experience of fresh air and wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
3.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
4.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Dogs
know that doing these things make you happy...
5.
Let others know when they have invaded your territory.
6.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
7.
Run, romp, and play daily.
8.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
9.
Be loyal.
More
advice from Canines on happier living...
10.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
11.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
12.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him or her
gently.
13.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Simple
tricks for easier living from a dog's point of view...
14.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
15.
On hot days drink lots of water or be under a shady tree.
16.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
17.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
And
finally...
18.
No matter how often you are scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout,
run right back and make friends.
Something to think about.
Dogs.....
"Some
days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown
"Whoever
said you can't buy happiness forgot about
puppies." -- Gene Hill
"In
dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown
"Dogs
feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the
car,
in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your
ear." -- Dave Barry
"I
wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water
bowl." -- Penny Ward Moser
"Outside
of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark
to read." -- Groucho Marx
"To
his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of
dogs." -- Aldous
Huxley
"A
dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before
lying down."
-- Robert Benchley
"I
wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult." -- Rita Rudner
"My
dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's
almost $7.00 in dog
money." -- Joe Weinstein
"If
I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will
go to heaven, and very, very few
persons." -- James Thurber
"You
enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with
pets." -- Nora Ephron
"Don't
accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful." -- Ann Landers
"Women
and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to
the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"Of
all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most
fond memories!" -- Dr. Tom Cat
"There
is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your
face." -- Ben Williams
"Cat's
motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like
the dog did it."
-- Unknown
"Money
will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his
tail." -- Unknown
"No
one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog
does." -- Christopher Morley
"The
average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-- Andrew A. Rooney
"He
is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his
life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the
last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of
such devotion." --
Unknown
"Heaven
goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would
go in." -- Mark Twain
"I
care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for
it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"If
there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they
went." -- Unknown
"If
you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a
man." -- Mark Twain
"Things
that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
Smiley Blanton
Believe it or not . . .
Believe it or not...
1 . The average cost of
rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in
cheers and applause from
onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2 . Two animal rights
protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in
The last & best.......
3 . Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough
postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender"
stamped on it. You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his
face.
Worse Job
The
San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has
a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a
The
10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at
Guittard Chocolates in
Five
people have jobs worse than yours! Now stop complaining and get back to work
RANDOM THINKING
I
was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something
on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
A
lady friend of mine told me that at our age she has found that going bra-less
pulls all the wrinkles out of her face.
I
was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they
get older then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
You
know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you
got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
I
thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks
so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
Employment
application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I
think you should write . . . A Good Doctor!
If
you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
A
small child steps on your toes, An older child steps on your heart.
Never
tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more
humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it
|
A great way to think |
A
principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls
starting to use lipstick. After applying lipstick in the bathroom they would
then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints [puportedly practicing the perfect pucker].
Before
it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls
together who wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the
ladies room at
The
principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean
the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand
just how much of a problem it was to remove the waxey
lipstick, and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The
custodian then demonstrated...
He
took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the
nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That
was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
Deep Thoughts
Why
are they called apartments, when they are all stuck together?
Why
does sour cream have an expiration date?
Who
is General Failure, and why is he reading my disk?
Why
do banks charge you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already
know that you don't have?
When
two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near-miss?
Why
do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If
vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Tell
a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench
has wet paint and he has to touch it!
How
come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone
threw a gun at him?
If
"con" is the opposite of "pro", what is the opposite of
"progress"?
Why
is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains
real lemons?
Why
doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why
doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If
man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If
all of those psychics have the winning lottery numbers, why are they still
working?
Isn't
Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Sooner
or later, doesn't everyone stop smoking?
War
doesn't determine who is right, just who is left.
A most embarrassing moment
In
"I
was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one
morning I received a call from his office that I had been rescheduled for early
that morning at
As
most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when
making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full
effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth,
and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking
extra care to make sure that I was
presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothesbasket, donned some clothes, hopped in the
car and raced to my appointment.
I
was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the
procedure, as I'm sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the
other side of the room, and pretended I was in
She
called back, 'No... I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all
my glitter and sparkles in it.'"
CHURCH HUMOR
Over
the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: The Gate of
Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign, which read:
"Please use other entrance."
Rev.
Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says
that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of
person my dog thinks I am."
A
Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What
Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to
this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic
ones."
During
a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what
"Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means -
'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "
A
student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer?
"3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".
After
the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm
going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor
replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the
poorest preachers we've ever had."
My
wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear
Mommy
say,"
my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why
on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
One At A Time
A
friend of ours was walking down a deserted Mexican beach at sunset. As he
walked along, he began to see another man in the distance. As he grew
nearer, he noticed that the local native kept leaning down, picking something
up and throwing it out into the water. Time and again he kept hurling
things out into the ocean. As our friend approached even closer, he noticed
that the man was picking up starfish that had been washed up on the beach, and
one at a time, he was throwing them back into the water. Our friend was
puzzled. He approached the man and said, "Good evening,
friend. I was wondering what you are doing." "I'm throwing
these starfish back into the ocean. You see, it's low tide right now and
all of these starfish have been washed up onto the shore. If I don't
throw them back into the sea, they'll die up here from lack of oxygen."
"I understand," my friend replied, "but there must be thousands
of starfish on this beach. You can't possibly get to all of them.
There are simply too many. And don't you realize this is probably
happening on hundreds of beaches all up and down this coast. Can't you
see that you can't possibly make a difference?" The local native smiled,
bent down and picked up yet another starfish, and as he threw it back into the
sea, he replied, "Made a difference to that one!" by Jack Canfield and Mark Hansen from Chicken
Soup for the Soul
What's Your DASH Worth?
I
read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of his friend.
He
referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning...to the end.
He
noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the second with tears,
but
he said that what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.
For
that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth, and now only
those who loved her know what that little line is worth.
For
it matters not, how much we own; the cars, the house, the cash.
What
matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.
So
think about this long and hard, are there things you'd like to change?
For
you never know how much time is left. (You could be at "dash
mid-range.")
If
we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and what's real, and
always try to understand the way other people feel.
And.be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more and love
the people in our lives like we've never loved before. If we treat each other
with respect, and more often wear a smile, remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while. So, when your eulogy is being read with your
life's actions to rehash... would you be pleased with the things they have to
say about how you spent your dash?
--Source unknown
Fairy tale... the way they should be
Once
upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a
frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, " I once was a handsome
prince until an evil sorceress put a spell on me.
One
kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move
into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my
clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That
night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying,
"I don't think so."
The
End
HUMOR RANDOM THOUGHTS
Raising
teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.
There
is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For
example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Reason
to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class
pulls a hamstring.
The
best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let
the air out of their tires.-Dorothy Parker
Carsickness
is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
Families
are like fudge mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Today's
mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the
inside.
Middle
age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My
mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
The
more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
One
day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
If
you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
You
know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else
you can do while you're down there.
Getting married is very
much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then
when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one
woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong
man."
A little boy asked his
father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father
replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
After a quarrel, a wife
said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The
husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A man inserted an 'ad' in
the classifieds: "Wife
wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."
A woman was telling her
friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what
was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied,
"A billionaire."
The trouble with being the
best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."
The groom, upon his
engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like
mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me,
sympathy?"
When a man steals your
wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
Marriage is the triumph of imagination
over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to
listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't
for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
You know the honeymoon is
pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights,
and so does she.
During a heated spat over
finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing
to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back,
"Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn
how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
Personally, I think one of
the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can
say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit
of attention.
According to the latest
surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't
fantasizing.
My girlfriend told me I
should be more affectionate. So I got
two girlfriends.
A husband said to his wife,
"No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law
better than I like mine."
How do most men define
marriage? A very expensive way to get
your laundry done free.
A couple was having a
discussion about family finances.
Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the
house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't
for your money, I wouldn't be here."
The most effective way to
remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
parachute.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy:
"You're lucky,
mine's still alive.
The
Circus
Once when I was a teenager, my father and I were standing
in line to buy tickets for the circus. Finally, there was only
one family between the ticket counter and us. This family made a
big impression on me. There were eight children, all probably
under the age of 12. You could tell they didn’t have a lot of
money. Their clothes were not expensive, but they were clean. The
children were well behaved, all of them standing in line, two-by - two behind
their parents, holding hands. They were excitedly jabbering about the clowns, elephants
and other acts they would see that night. One could sense they had never
been to the circus before. It promised to be a highlight of their young
lives. The father and mother were at the head of the pack
standing proud as could be. The mother was holding her husband’s hand,
looking up at him as if to say, “You’re my knight in shining armor.” He was
smiling and basking in pride, looking at her as if to reply, “You got
that right.” The ticket lady asked the father how many tickets he
wanted. He proudly responded, “Please let me buy eight children’s tickets and
two adult tickets so I can take my family to the circus.”
The ticket lady quoted the price. The man’s wife let go of
his hand, her head dropped; the man’s lip began to quiver. The father
leaned a little closer and asked, “How much did you say?” The ticket
lady again quoted the price. The man didn’t have enough
money. How was he supposed to turn and tell his eight kids that he
didn’t have enough money to take them to the circus?
Seeing what was going on, my dad put his hand into
his pocket, pulled out a $20 bill and dropped it on the ground.
(We were not wealthy in any sense of the word!) My father reached down,
picked up the bill, tapped the man on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me, sir,
this fell out of your pocket.” The man knew what was going on.
He wasn’t begging for a handout but certainly appreciated the help in a
desperate, heartbreaking, embarrassing situation. He looked straight into
my dad’s eyes, took my dad’s hand in both of his, squeezed
tightly onto the $20 bill, and with his lip quivering and a tear streaming
down his cheek, he replied, “Thank you, thank you, sir. This really
means a lot to me and my family.” My father and I went back to our
car and drove home. We didn’t go to the circus that night, but we didn’t go
without. By Dan Clark from A 2nd Helping of Chicken Soup for
the Soul
The Gentlest Need
At least once a day our old
black cat comes to one us in a way that we've all come to see as a special
request. It does not mean he wants to be fed or to be let out or anything of
that sort. His need is for something very different.
If you have a lap handy,
he'll jump into it; if you don't, he's likely to stand there looking wistful
until you make him one. Once in it, he begins to vibrate almost before you
stroke his back, scratch his chin and tell him over and over what a good kitty he
is. Then his motor really revs up; he squirms to get comfortable; he
"makes big hands." Every once in a while one of his purrs gets out of
control and turns into a snort. He looks at you with wide open eyes of
adoration, and he gives you the cat's long slow blink of ultimate trust.
After a while, little by
little, he quiets down. If he senses that it's all right, he may stay in your
lap for a cozy nap. But he is just as likely to hop down and stroll away about
his business. Either way, he's all right.
Our daughter puts it simply:
"Blackie needs to be purred." In our household he isn't the only one
who has that
need: I share it and so does
my wife. We know the need isn't exclusive to any one age group. Still, because
I am a schoolman as well as a parent, I associate it especially with youngsters, with their quick, impulsive
need for a hug, a warm lap, a hand held out, a coverlet tucked in, not because
anything's wrong, not because anything needs doing, just because that's the way
they are.
There are a lot of things I'd
like to do for all children. If I could do just one, it would be this: to
guarantee every child, everywhere, at least one good purring every day.
Kids, like cats, need time to purr.
By Fred T. Wilhelms
from
Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1993
by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen
ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
5% Friday
The Miss of a Great
"Miss"
I'll never forget the day I first saw "a dream walking." Her
name was Susie Summers (name changed to protect the fantastic). Her
smile, which sparkled beneath two twinkling eyes, was electric and made people
who received it (especially guy people) feel very special. While her
physical beauty was astounding, it was her invisible beauty I shall always
remember. She really cared about other people and was an extremely
talented listener. Her sense of humor could brighten your entire day
and her wise words were always exactly what you needed to hear.
She was not only admired but also genuinely respected by members of both
sexes. With everything in the world to be conceited
about, she was extremely humble. Needless to say, she was every
guy's dream. Especially mine! I got to walk her to class once a
day, and once I even got to eat lunch with her all by myself. I felt
on top of the world. I would think, "If only I could have a
girlfriend like Susie Summers, I'd never even look at another
female."
But I
figured that someone this outstanding was probably dating someone far
better than myself. Even though I was president of the student body,
I just knew I didn't stand a ghost of a chance. So at graduation, I
said farewell to my first big crush. A year later, I met her best
friend in a shopping center and we had lunch together. With a lump
in my throat, I asked how Susie was. "Well, she got over
you," was the reply. "What are you talking about?" I
asked. "You were really cruel to her the way you led her
on, always walking her to class and making her think you
were interested. Do you remember the time you had lunch with
her? Well, she stayed by the phone the entire weekend.
She was sure you were going to call and ask her out." I was so
afraid of rejection, I never risked letting her know how I
felt. Suppose I had asked her out and she'd said no? What's the
worst thing that could have happened? I wouldn't have had a date with
her. Well, guess what? I DIDN'T HAVE A DATE WITH HER
ANYHOW! What makes it worse is that I probably could
have.
Be Yourself
President Calvin Coolidge
once invited friends from his hometown to dine at the White House. Worried
about their table manners, the guests decided to do everything that Coolidge
did. This strategy succeeded, until coffee was served. The president poured his
coffee into the saucer. The guests did the same. Coolidge added sugar and
cream. His guests did, too. Then Coolidge bent over and put his saucer on the
floor for the cat.
By Erik Oleson
from
Condensed Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor
Hansen & Patty Hansen
Choices
Today I can complain
because the weather is rainy
~or~
I can be thankful that the
grass is getting watered for free.
Today I can feel sad that I
don't have more money
~or~
I can be glad that my
finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely
and guide me away from
waste.
Today I can grumble about my
health
~or~
I can rejoice that I am
alive.
Today I can lament over all
that my parents didn't give me
when I was growing up
~or~
I can feel grateful that
they allowed me to be born.
Today I can cry because
roses have thorns
~or~
I can celebrate that thorns
have roses.
Today I can mourn my lack
of friends
~or~
I can excitedly embark upon
a quest to discover new relationships.
Today I can whine because I
have to go to work
~or~
I can shout for joy because
I have a job to do.
I can complain because I
have to go to school
~or~
eagerly open my mind and
fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge.
Today I can murmur
dejectedly because I have to do housework
~or~
I can feel honored because
the Lord
has provided shelter for my
mind, body and soul.
Today stretches ahead of
me, waiting to be shaped.
And here I am, the sculptor
who gets to do the shaping.
What today will be like is
up to me.
I get to choose what kind
of day I will have
Tommy's Essay
Soon Tommy's parents, who had
recently separated, would arrive for a conference on his failing schoolwork and
disruptive behavior. Neither parent knew that I had summoned the other.
Tommy, an only child, had
always been happy, cooperative, and an excellent student. How could I convince
his father and mother that his recent failing grades represented a
brokenhearted child's reaction to his adored parents' separation and pending
divorce?
Tommy's mother entered and
took one of the chairs I had placed near my desk. Then the father arrived. They
pointedly ignored each other.
As I gave a detailed account
of Tommy's behavior and schoolwork, I prayed for the right words to bring these
two together to help them see what they were doing to their son.
But somehow the words
wouldn't come. Perhaps if they saw one of his smudged, carelessly done papers.
I found a crumpled,
tear-stained sheet stuffed in the back of his desk. Writing covered both sides,
a single sentence scribbled over and over.
Silently I smoothed it out
and gave it to Tommy's mother. She read it and then without a word handed it to
her husband. He frowned. Then his face softened. He studied the scrawled words
for what seemed an eternity.
At last he folded the paper
carefully and reached for his wife's outstretched hand. She wiped the tears
from her eyes and smiled up at him. My own eyes were brimming, but neither
seemed to notice.
In his own way God had given
me the words to reunite that family. He had guided me to the sheet of yellow
copy paper covered with the anguished outpouring of a small boy's troubled
heart.
"Dear Mother . . . Dear
Daddy . . . I love you . . . I love you
. . . I love you."
Obstacles
We who lived in the
concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting
others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in
number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man
but one thing: The last
of his freedoms - to choose
one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
The Most Caring Child
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to
judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner
was a four-year-old child, whose next-door neighbor was an elderly gentleman
who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went
into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap and just sat there. When
his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
"Nothing, I just helped him cry."
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE
1. Give people more than
they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite
poem.
3. Don't believe all you
hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, "I
love you", mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm
sorry", look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six
months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first
sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's
dreams.
9. Love deeply and
passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight
fairly. No name-calling.
11. Don't judge people by
their relatives.
12. Talk slow, but think
quick.
13. When someone asks you a
question you don't want to answer smile and ask,” Why do you want to
know?"
14. Remember that great
love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say "bless
you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't
lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R's:
Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little
dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've
made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
21. Smile when picking up
the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
22. Marry a man you love to
talk to. As you get older, his conversational skills will be as important as
any other will.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to
change but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence
is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and
watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable
life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second
time.
28. Trust in God but lock
your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in
your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with
loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines
32. Share your knowledge.
It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the
earth.
34.Pray. There's
immeasurable power in it.
35.Never interrupt when you
are being flattered.
36.Mind your own business.
37.Don't trust a man who
doesn't close his eyes when you kiss him.
38.Once a year, go
someplace you've never been before.
39.If you make a lot of
money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's
greatest satisfaction.
40.Remember that not
getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
41.Learn the rules then
break some.
42.Remember that the best
relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need
for each other.
43.Judge your success by
what you had to give up in order to get it.
44.Remember that your
character is your destiny.
45.Approach love and
cooking with reckless abandon.
Ten Years Late
This 85 year old couple,
having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in
good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and
exercise.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter
took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and
master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed
and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all
this was going to cost. "It's free, " Peter replied, "this is
Heaven."
Next they went out back to
survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have
golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one
representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked,” what are the
green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play
for free."
Next they went to the
clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid
out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand
yet? This is Heaven, it is free!"
Peter replied with some
exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?"
the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can
eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you
never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went
into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking
wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was
wrong.
The old man looked at his
wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran
muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
Then and Now
We are getting older than
we think . . .
Old and new concerns for
people of the baby boom generation.
Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing
for hair.
Then: Keg
Now: EKG.
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid
reflux.
Then: Moving to
Now: Moving to
Then: You're growing
pot.
Now: Your
growing pot.
Then: Watching John
Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching
John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.
Then: Trying to look
like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not
to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Then: Seeds and
stems.
Now: Roughage.
Then: Popping pills,
smoking joints.
Now: Popping
joints.
Then: Our president's
struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our
president's struggle with fidelity.
Then:
Now: AARP.
Then: Being caught
with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being
caught by Hustler magazine.
Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed
killer.
Then: Hoping for a
BMW.
Now: Hoping for
a BM.
Then: The Grateful
Dead.
Now: Dr.
Kevorkian.
Then: Getting out to
a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a
new hip joint.
Martha Stewart for Red
Necks
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be
cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN
truck keys.
2. Dirt and grease under
the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's
jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
3. Proper use of toiletries
can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live
alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine,
make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to
"bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly
from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the
table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to
eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
DATING
1. Always offer to bait
your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her
know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on
the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is
expected back. Some will say
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby
and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the
screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a
wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds
may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A
leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create
tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes"
to socks and shoes for this Special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for
approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a
four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car
using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife
down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while
traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Always identify people
in your yard before shooting at them.
2. If you have to vacuum
the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
3. Even if you're certain
that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a
U-Haul to the funeral home.
All I Would Ever Need
I had always
felt like a misfit in school. My friends, although good and true friends, were
not in the crowd of popular kids in school. Besides, I was sure I was funny
looking. I just didn’t fit the mold.
Parading
constantly before my eyes was "the fun group" - the popular kids -
always laughing and whispering, never sad or depressed, skipping their way
through school, the best of friends. Teachers loved them, boys loved them, the
whole school loved them. I worshipped them and wanted to be just like them. I
dreamed of the day that they would accept me.
My dream came
true when I turned fourteen and I tried out for the cheerleading squad. To my
surprise, I was chosen. Almost instantly, I was thrust into the "in
crowd." I felt like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon. I changed my hair
and the way I dressed. Everyone thought the change in me was fantastic - new
clothes, a new group of friends and a new outlook on life.
Almost overnight,
the whole school knew who I was, or at least they knew my name. There were
parties and sleepovers, and of course, cheering at the games. I was finally one
of the popular kids. Everyone I had hoped to know, I knew. Everything I had
wanted to be, I was.
Something
strange was happening to me, however. The more I was included with the "in
crowd," the more confused I became. In reality, these people were far from
perfect. They talked behind each other’s backs while they pretended to be best
friends. They rarely had a truly good time but smiled and faked it. They cared
about what I was wearing and whom I was seen with. But they didn’t care about
who I was, what I believed in, what my dreams were or what made me who I was.
It was a shock to see them as they really were, instead of as I had
"thought" they were.
I began to
feel a huge sense of loss and disappointment. But worst of all, I realized that
I was becoming just like them, and I didn’t like what was happening at all. I
had to get my life back in order.
I concentrated
first on finding out who my real friends were - the ones who listened and who
really cared about me. They were the only ones who really mattered. I stayed
with cheerleading because I really enjoyed it. But I stopped hanging around with
only the popular kids, and I widened my circle of friends. I found out that my
real friends had never left me. They were simply waiting for me to come to my
senses. I finally realized that my original friends were all I would ever need.
Thanks ... Again!
A British
family journeyed to
Luckily, it
happened that in a nearby field a farm boy was working. When he heard the
frantic cries for help, he brought the English boy to safety. The father whose
son had been rescued was of course very grateful. The next day, he went to meet
the youth who had saved his son’s life. As the two talked, the Englishman asked
the brave lad what he planned to do with his future. The boy answered, "Oh
I suppose I’ll be a farmer like my father." The grateful father said,
"Is there something else you’d rather do?" "Oh, yes!"
answered the Scottish lad. "I’ve always wanted to be a doctor. But we are
poor people and could never afford to pay for my education." "Never
mind that," said the Englishman. "You shall have your heart’s desire
and study medicine. Make your plans, and I’ll take care of the costs." So,
the Scottish lad did indeed become a doctor.
There
is more. Some years later, in December of 1943, Winston Churchill became very
ill with pneumonia while in
Encouragement
Dante Gabriel Rossetti, the famous 19th-century poet and artist, was once
approached by an elderly man. The old fellow had some sketches and drawings
that he wanted Rossetti to look at and tell him if
they were any good, or if they at least showed potential talent.
Rossetti looked them
over carefully. After the first few, he knew that they were worthless, showing
not the least sign of artistic talent. But Rossetti
was a kind man, and he told the elderly man as gently as possible that the
pictures were without much value and showed little talent. He was sorry, but he
could not lie to the man.
The visitor
was disappointed, but seemed to expect Rossetti’s
judgment. He then apologized for taking up Rossetti’s
time, but would he just look at a few more drawings - these done by a young art
student?
Rossetti looked over
the second batch of sketches and immediately became enthusiastic over the
talent they revealed. "These," he said, "oh, these are good.
This young student has great talent. He should be given every help and
encouragement in his career as an artist. He has a great future if he will work
hard and stick to it."
Rossetti could see
that the old fellow was deeply moved. "Who is this fine young
artist?" he asked. "Your son?"
"No,"
said the old man sadly. "It is me - 40 years ago. If only I had heard your
praise then! For you see, I got discouraged and gave up - too soon."
MAXIMS
Growing old is mandatory;
growing up is optional.
Forget the health
food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
You're getting old when you
get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a
roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women
over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget
where they left them.
One of the life's mysteries
is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
My mind not only wanders,
sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about
exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.
It's frustrating when you
know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
WOMEN: Remember, as
we get older we no longer have hot flashes. We now have power surges.
Age is important only if
you're a cheese.
The only time a woman
wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Despite the high cost of
living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Sparky
For Sparky,
school was all but impossible. He failed every subject in the eighth grade. He flunked
physics in high school, getting a grade of zero. Sparky also flunked Latin,
algebra and English. He didn’t do much better in sports. Although he did manage
to make the school’s golf team, he promptly lost the only important match of
the season. There was a consolation match; he lost that, too.
Throughout his
youth Sparky was awkward socially. He was not actually disliked by the other
students; no one cared that much. He was astonished if a classmate ever said
hello to him outside of school hours. There’s no way to tell how he might have
done at dating. Sparky never once asked a girl to go out in high school. He was
too afraid of being turned down.
Sparky was a
loser. He, his classmates...everyone knew it. So he rolled with it. Sparky had
made up his mind early in life that if things were meant to work out, they
would. Otherwise he would content himself with what appeared to be his
inevitable mediocrity.
However, one
thing was important to Sparky - drawing. He was proud of his artwork. Of
course, no one else appreciated it. In his senior year of high school, he
submitted some cartoons to the editors of the yearbook. The cartoons were
turned down. Despite this particular rejection, Sparky was so convinced of his
ability that he decided to become a professional artist.
After
completing high school, he wrote a letter to Walt Disney Studios. He was told
to send some samples of his artwork, and the subject for a cartoon was
suggested. Sparky drew the proposed cartoon. He spent a great deal of time on
it and on all the other drawings he submitted. Finally, the reply came from
Disney Studios. He had been rejected once again. Another loss for the loser.
So Sparky
decided to write his own autobiography in cartoons. He described his childhood
self - a little boy loser and chronic underachiever. The cartoon character
would soon become famous worldwide. For Sparky, the boy who had such a lack of
success in school and whose work was rejected again and again, was Charles
Schultz. He created the "Peanuts" comic strip and the little cartoon
character whose kite would never fly and who never succeeded in kicking a
football, Charlie Brown.
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes"
contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life
Dilbert-type managers.
Here are some of the
submissions:
1.
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees
will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales
at Microsoft Corporation in
2.
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3.
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?(Programming intern,
Microsoft IIS Development team)
4.
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only
for company business. (Accounting Mgr, Electric Boat Company)
5.
This project is so important; we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg Mgr, UPS)
6.
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. (R&D Supervisor,
7.
My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed
corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit
it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell
Computers)
8.
Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I
say."(Executive Director, GW3K Project)
9.
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my
boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of
the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to
Friday. He said, "That
would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned
above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.
He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until
tomorrow to ask for
it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our
company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the
sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the
training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I
was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP
wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that
she "wouldn't stand for perverts working in her company."
Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired,
with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager, a fairly
reasonable person, looked the word up in his dictionary, made a copy of the
definition to send to my boss, and told me not to worry. He would take care of
it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that
no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used
in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy,
I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the
Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally circulated memo from a
large communications company: "Lucent Technologies is determined to
promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business
focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the
expectations of quality!"
15. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working
on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when
it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor,
& Manufacturing /3M
Corp.)
Teenagers Today
I can’t count how many
times people have uttered, while shaking their heads in obvious disappointment,
" just don’t know what is with teenagers today."
The other day
I was in my car on my way to the farmers market with my friend Jan when we
passed two teens standing by the side of the road with a car wash sign. My car
was filthy and my heart was full, so I pulled over. There were teenagers
everywhere. There was a group directing the cars and another group spraying
them down. As sponges were wiped over every square inch of my dirty card, I sat
enjoying the little water battles and the many silent scenarios that were so
obviously taking place. I couldn’t help but wonder how many crushes, how many
new friendships and how many little insecurities were in the air on this
beautiful Saturday afternoon. I was amazed at how forty to fifty teenagers had
devoted their Saturday to washing cards, and I was curious what their
motivation might be.
At the end of
the assembly line I handed them a twenty-dollar bill and asked what they were
raising money for. They explained to me that a friend of theirs, C. T. Schmitz,
had recently died of cancer. He was only fifteen years old and six-feet-two. He
had gone to school with a lot of the teenagers who were there that day and each
of them had memories of a boy sweeter than any they had known. His friend Kevin
had decided to put this car wash together because he wanted to honor his friend
and also bring together his classmates with his Boy Scout troop. He told me
that they wanted to plant a tree in front of their school and if they raised
enough money they would put a plaque there also. Both would be in memory of
their friend C. T.
They handed me
a bag of homemade cookies with my receipt and we drove away. I asked Jan to
read to me what the tag that was tied to the bag said. It said simply,
"Thanks for helping us plant a tree of C. T."
One Random Thought Of A
Woman
I
read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too
much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they
kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
A Good Reason to Look Up
When I was in
junior high school, what my friends thought of me was real important to me. During
those years I grew much taller than most of my peers. Being so tall made me
feel uncomfortable. In order to keep the focus off me and my unusual height, I
went along with the crowd who would play practical jokes on other kids at
school. Being one of the class clowns gave me a way to make sure that the jokes
were directed at others, and not at me.
I would pull all kinds of pranks that were hurtful, and sometimes even harmful,
to others. Once before gym class, my friends and I put Icy Hot in the gym shorts
of one of the kids on the basketball team. Not only was he terribly
embarrassed, but he also had to go to the school nurse's office. I thought it
was going to be funny, but it all ended up that no one thought it was - least
of all my father.
My parents didn't always think that my behavior was funny. They reminded me
about The Golden Rule: to treat others, as I would like to be treated. Many
times, I was disciplined for the hurtful way that I was treating others. What I
was doing was hurting other kids, and in turn hurting my reputation as someone
to be looked up to. My friends were looking up to me because I was tall, but
what did they see?
My parents wanted me to be a leader who was a good example to others - to be a
decent human being. They taught me to set my own goals, and to do the best at
everything that I set out to do. During the lectures I got from my father, he
told me over and over again to be the leader that I was meant to be - to be a
big man in my heart and actions, as well as in my body. I had to question
myself whether or not it was important to be the kind of leader and person my
father believed I was inside. I knew in my heart that he was right. So I tried
my best to follow my father's advice.
Once I focused on being the best that I could be at basketball and became a
leader in the game, I took my responsibility to set a good example more
seriously. I sometimes have to stop and think before I act, and I make mistakes
occasionally - everyone is human. But I continue to look for opportunities
where I can make a difference, and to set a good example because of my father's
advice. I now pass it on to you.
"Be a leader, Shaq, not a follower. Since people
already have to look up to you, give them a `good' reason to do so." by Shaquille O'Neal
A Simple Hello
I have always
felt sympathy and compassion for the kids I see at school walking all alone,
for the ones that sit in the back of the room while everyone snickers and makes
fun of them. But I never said anything about it. I guess I figured that someone
else would. I did not take the time to really think about the depth of their
pain. Then one day I thought, what if I did take a moment out of my busy
schedule to simply say hello to someone without a friend or stop and chat with
someone eating by herself? And I did. It felt good to brighten up someone
else's life. How did I know I did? Because I remembered the day a simple kind
hello changed by life forever.
One good thing about
Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
Actual newspaper headlines
POLICE
STATION TOILET STOLEN
....Cops have nothing to go
on.
Schizophrenia beats being
alone.
If at first you don't
succeed, redefine success.
You have the capacity to
learn from your mistakes.
You will learn a lot today.
A thing not worth doing
isn't worth doing well.
HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO
DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
Time is just nature's way
to keep everything from happening at once.
Hard work never killed
anyone, but why chance it?
All true wisdom is found on
T-shirts.
Strip Mining Prevents
I don't have a solution;
but I do admire the problem.
I think sex is better than
logic, but I can't prove it.
A PICTURE IS WORTH A
THOUSAND WORDS
But it uses up a thousand
times the memory
The Meek shall inherit the
earth.....after we're through with it.
If a thing is worth doing
……..It would have been done already
Two can live as cheaply as
one... for half as long.
HAM AND EGGS
A day's work for a chicken;
A lifetime commitment for a
pig.
Lord, If I can't be skinny,
please let all my friends be fat.
Good Health is merely the
slowest possible rate at which one can die.
THE BUCK DOESN'T EVEN SLOW
DOWN HERE
So keep on going.
Confession is good for the
soul, but bad for your career.
How much can I get away
with and still go to heaven?
Sometimes too much to drink
isn't enough.
JESUS LOVES YOU
It's everybody else that
thinks you're an ass.
It's hard to make a
comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
WELCOME TO
Set your watch back 20
years.
Don't get married. Find a
woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
Be nice to your kids.
They'll choose your nursing home.
A closed mouth gathers no
foot.
The trouble with life is
there's no background music.
I was only looking at your
nametag, honest!
When blondes have more fun
do they know it?
Money isn't everything, But
it sure keeps the kids in touch.
What happens if you get
scared half to death twice?
Losing a husband can be
hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
JESUS IS COMING!
Look Busy.
We have enough youth. How
about a fountain of "Smart"?
Suicidal Twin Kills Sister
By Mistake!
|
|
|
A
Simple Gesture Mark was
walking home from school one day when he noticed that the boy ahead of him
had tripped and dropped all the books he was carrying, along with two
sweaters, a baseball bat, a glove and a small tape recorder. Mark knelt down
and helped the boy pick up the scattered articles. Since they were going the
same way, he helped to carry part of the burden. As they walked, Mark
discovered the boy's name was Bill, that he loved video games, baseball and
history, that he was having a lot of trouble with his other subjects and that
he had just broken up with his girlfriend. Mark went
home after dropping Bill at his house. They continued to see each other
around school, had lunch together once or twice, then both graduated from
junior high school. They ended up in the same high school, where they had
brief contacts over the years. Finally the long-awaited senior year came.
Three weeks before graduation, Bill asked Mark if they could talk. Bill
reminded him of the day years ago when they had first met. "Do you ever
wonder why I was carrying so many things home that day?" asked Bill.
"You see, I cleaned out my locker because I didn't want to leave a mess
for anyone else. I had stored away some of my mother's sleeping pills and I
was going home to commit suicide. But after we spent some time together
talking and laughing, I realized that if I had killed myself, I would have
missed that time and so many others that might follow. So you see, Mark, when
you picked up my books that day, you did a lot more. You saved my life." |
The Many Lessons of Golf
Golf teaches that
we all have handicaps ... and that hardly anybody knows what they really are.
Golf teaches that the best courses are the ones that hardly change at all what
God put there to begin with.
Golf teaches that although there are a few people who are honest in golf but
cheat in life, everybody who cheats in golf cheats in life.
Golf teaches that even though we need strict rules, we also need a leaf rule.
Golf teaches that even people who wear green pants deserve some place where
they can go, get a little exercise and not be laughed at.
Golf teaches that even though you probably don't have a shot at being the best,
you do have a good shot at being the best you can be.
Golf teaches that both success and failure are temporary.
Golf teaches that success is a lot more temporary.
Golf teaches that although practice does not always make us perfect, no
practice always makes us imperfect.
Golf teaches that no matter how good you are, there is always someone better
and that person will usually find you and tell you.
Golf teaches that when you are good you can tell people, but when you are great
they will tell you.
Golf teaches that although patience is a virtue, slow play is not.
Golf teaches that even though the best golfers have the most chances to win,
the other golfers have the most chances to improve.
Golf teaches that, on some dewy morning or some golden afternoon, with the sun
warming the world, we can find ourselves walking through an improvised meadow
and realize we are not searching for the little white ball, but for a moment
where the world of nature and the world of play are one. And then in the dew
and sunshine we can understand that even though we can make a ball perfectly
white, only God can make a meadow perfectly green.
Not on the Menu
I travel a lot
in my work, and one of the things I dislike about this part of my job is eating
alone. It always makes me feel lonely to see others laughing and talking, and
sometimes I have the uncomfortable feeling that I look like I am waiting to be
"picked up" by someone. So, I usually order room service for several
nights to avoid that discomfort. However, sooner or later, I feel a need to get
out of my room. My strategy is to go down to the hotel restaurant the moment it
opens, as it is not very crowded then and I don't feel as uncomfortable.
After having
room service three nights in a row at a Wyndham Hotel in
I was
delighted! He sat and talked with me about his career goals, his hobbies, the
challenges of balancing a restaurant career with a family, and the difficulty
of being at work on nights, weekends and holidays. He showed me pictures of his
children and his wife - even his dog! After about 15 minutes, he spotted some
customers at the front desk and excused himself. I noticed out of the corner of
my eye that before he went to the front, he stopped in the kitchen for a
moment.
As my new
friend proceeded to seat the arriving party, one of the waiters came out of the
kitchen and over to my table. "My station is way in the back tonight, and
I'm sure no one will be seated there for a while," he said. "I'm not
really busy. Do you mind if I sit down with you for a while?" We had a
wonderful chat, until someone was seated in his station and he needed to excuse
himself.