The main source of energy on Earth exists everywhere but on the campus. The administration began its reign last semester with its mass confiscation of such items as Pink Floyd’s 1979 album The Wall, George Ritzer’s The McDonaldization of Society and all forms of identification the students own. If you have been wondering what those rashes are on the back of your neck, they are bar codes.

Actual policies are attributed to the lack of solar power on campus. Students may only take one pinch of salt from Dalton cafeteria. The practice of using salt itself is looked down upon for it may cause the food one student is eating to be different from the food another student is consuming. Students must walk in single file on the sidewalks so the scanners can access the information provided by the bar code that has been surgically implanted onto the napes of each student’s neck while sleeping. This information includes everything that one has ever said to anyone, ever thought, or any questionable things a student may have read such as the aforementioned Ritzer work or a University of Virginia catalogue.

The amount of policy caused first a massive red paste, later a wall, and now a shell hovering over the Radford campus. The Biology department has begun to protest, for all of its plants are dying and/or turning yellow because of the plants' inability to make chlorophyll. The Alumni Garden is nothing but a skeleton. Campus diversity is at an all-time low due to the pale skin of each student. This paleness is a direct result of no sunlight, imagination, or creativity.

Animal life on campus is suffering as well. Dead animals have been removed from the roofs of several buildings and residence halls. Ninety percent of the trees on campus have died from the sun’s absence, leaving squirrels, birds, chipmunks, and snakes homeless. Students worry less about birds going to the bathroom on their vehicles than birds' dying on the vehicles.

When asked the purpose of these actions, Radford administrators only tightened their ties, straightened their gray coats, put on sunglasses, and cleared their throats. The administration would not comment to the disappearance of every philosophy professor and philosophy major on campus. No comment was given on either the disappearance of McConnell Library or the study abroad program.