Some people in the scientific community have argued that any study conducted over 96 years could come up with the same results whether the patients were thin or not. However, the distinguished researchers assured us that this only strengthens their argument that thin people will die. As one doctor put it, "We've done preliminary studies into the deaths of fat asses, but those seem to be rare cases of disease or other health related factors...while thin people though healthy have been shown by this study to die."

Another study, whose findings will be released this week, gives strong evidence that people who eat and drink live longer than those who don't. Therefore, the current hypothesis is that the more we eat and drink, the longer we will live. Researchers at the FDA say they will look into seeing how these two studies correlate. Researchers now hope they can look at how these findings will benefit all of mankind. "We think by bulking up the populace, we will save lives that otherwise would have been lost to severe cases of death," says Dr. Shytsnpoo. He also states, "We think that a lot of the deaths caused by falling down drains, falling into cracks in sidewalks, and being mistaken for premature cadavers for medical study during sleep can all be remedied by advances in chunkiness and lard consumption techniques."

Some steps that they recommend for those that are thin as a rail are the following:

1. Consume mass amounts of red meat.
2. Stick to a regular liquid thirst and hunger inducing agent, like beer or malt liquor.
3. Stay away from foods like vegetables and fruits unless they are candy coated.
4. Refuse to walk as often as possible; drive or have things brought to you.
5. Extend your wake-up time from noon to 3 or 4 o'clock in the afternoon with naps in between sleep times.
6. Do stomach exercises like breathing and burping to stretch out the stomachs.
7. Don't move muscles and bone any more than you have to; atrophy is a good sign of being on your way to tubbiness.
8. Deep fry all meals, including breakfast.
9. Eat ten to twelve full-course meals a day.
10. Play on Whim until the only exercise you get is that which you derive from your fingers clicking on links.

For those looking for further info on the study please check out the Institute four Morest Knowing