There is this girl I really really like. However, she already has a boyfriend, what do I do?

-The other guy

Dear GUY,

What makes you think that you're such hot sh*t on a stick that you deserve this girl over the slum bucket who's got her now? You'se a real monkey jerk if you thinks you're the only guy in the world who liked a girl that sombody else already got to. I like to call this "tough sh*t." However, since I suppose you're not too keen on writing out your problems, so maybe this guy's an asshole, some wife-beater Jell for brains.

In that case, it might be worth stealing his babe. So here's what you do: You've got two choices. One, you can beat the mofo up, then bring out some pipe-wieldding, gun-toting, hardcore bastards to finish up the job, while you wisk the girl away in your Chevette. Or, you could become good friends with the girl, hang out a lot. Make her see that her boyfriend is a snake in her bush and that you should be the screw for her bolt.

Granted, the second choice sounds nicer but it is not as quick or as guaranteed as the former. Probably your best bet is to leave her alone and fish from a different pond. Last thing you need is some ho with more baggage then an airport.

Good luck, Twinkle Toes.