My ex won't leave me alone! How do I get her off my back?

-Worried @ RU

Dear Worried,

Let me get this straight-- you've got some broad that won't keep to her own damn self huh? Well we've got a couples of ways of getting her off your back. First you've gotta find out if she's commin' back becuase she thinks that the sour pickle pony rides she was gettin' was love or somethin'. If that's the case, then what you gotta do is make her not love you no more.

FIrst, I say treat her like a ho. Nothin' cheapens a broad like treatin' her like a a discounted, 2-cent whore with a gift certificate. If she's still comin' back, stop answering the phone. When you do hear her, hang up. I like the patented "Beaker approach," just bark like a dog over and over and over when ever she tries to come near you. For a while people might think you're strange, but at least you can explain why you're screwed up. She ain't so lucky. If you're looking to let her down easier, just tell her you wanna be friends, but more like distant pen pals that don't see each other and never write.

However if your chick is psycho, and its not a love thing that keeps her coming back, then you've only got three choices short of fraggin' the honey deuce cup. FIrst give back whatever it is you stole and she wants back, or take her back on a Slip 'N Slide skin pole exclusive relationship that you can pretend isn't really goin' on. Or you can can get a restraining order from da judge himself. Course, if goin' to the 5-0 isn't your cup of joe then I gots a number you can call for a little personal attention. Now, they don't usally work outta state, but I'm sure arrangements can be made. I hope that answers your friggin Q.

I just like to say that its great writin' for Whim again! It's good to be back. If you guys want to get in touch just email Whim at whim@runet.edu and Vinnie can help you'se out. See you on the corner.