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 Highlander Dung Beetle Terrorizes CampusShaun Richardson | 
"Well, it was like two or three o'clock in the morning, and I had just come
from like my
second late night, or whatever. Anyhow, I was walking back to my dorm with
a couple of my sisters when I heard this buzzing noise. I was like, 'Oh my
God, what's that noise?' I mean, it sounded like the propellers on a hot
air balloon, or something. So anyway, I just kept walking 'cause like I
said, I had been to a couple of late nights. That's when I felt it:
something was on my head and was, like, chewing on my hair. I started
screaming, 'Oh my God, get it off!' Thank God, one of my girls had my back
with her platform heel and pepper spray. She got in a couple of licks and
sprays, and the thing just, like... flew away."
These words sound like something right out of a science fiction film, but they are not. They are the exact words of RU sophomore Stephanie Lopson, a brave young woman whose harrowing survival tale has forced the RU administration to investigate a slew of strange reports of hovering, over-sized insects. These creatures are being blamed for attacks on people as well as the disappearance of several area canines. So pressing has this matter become that Dr. Douglas Covington, President of RU, has called in the big guns. Dr. Emil van Dresko from the International Institute for Exo-skeletonous Anomalies of the Americas and Indian Sub-Continent has arrived at RU and already has a theory as to the nature and origin of this plague that has descended upon the sleepy campus of Radford University. According to van Dresko, the source of RU's latest infestation is dog dung. That's right: poop is mucking up RU's campus. Apparently, the large mounds of dog remnants being left on the grass here at RU have prompted a massive leap in size for RU's lowly dung beetle. Last year at RU, the average dung beetle was about the size of dime. This year, the creatures are ranging anywhere between the size of a basketball and a fully inflated beach ball. "It's the damnedest thing, says Dr. van Drkesko. "We're seeing similar things around the nation on college campuses--leaps in evolution taking place to meet the needs of college students and their excessive lifestyles." Dr. van Dresko was quick to point out a recent case at Northwestern, where squirrels have developed a taste for aluminum beer cans and the sharp teeth necessary to indulge such cravings. Why are these gargantuan dung beetles attacking humans and their furry friends here at RU? Again, Dr. van Dresko has a theory. He says that poor grooming habits for both pets and one's self fool the beetles into thinking that they are landing on a pile of dung. Stephanie Lopson, the previously mentioned sophomore, could not be reached for comment on accusations that her hair smells like dung. Dr. van Dresko will be continuing his quest to return peace to RU's campus for at least two more months as he tries to uncover the sleeping, mating and foraging habits of the new dung beetle, which he and the RU administration have affectionately nicknamed the Highlander dung beetle. In the mean time, the RU administration has forwarded these tips to aid in the coexistence of man and dung beetle kinds here at RU:
1. Do not feed the beetles dung (i.e. do not set out dishes of dung for the
beetles or offer them dung from your car windows). Responses: Refresh frame to view latest entries. Name: Brian Ault Comments:
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