Each week, The Tartan publishes a list of police reports from Police Chief Toby Phillips.  However, everyone knows that more acts of crime occur on campus than are reported. So what are those crimes? After some heavy investigation, we found this list of unmentionable crimes committed on campus.  This is the list that the university does not want released to the general public.

1/08/00 - 3:27PM A staff member reported a student putting his mouth directly on a water fountain in Trinkle Hall. Officials arrived on the scene immediately and the student was beaten "senseless".	1/13/00 - 10:44PM A Student was arrested for fornication on ceramic couch outside Porterfield Hall.
1/15/00 - 11:49PM Student arrested for taking more than 1 piece of fruit out of Dalton. After further investigation, the student was taken into custody for assault and battery on the dining hall staff member.	1/16/00 - 12:18PM A student was spotted wearing white shoes in "the middle of winter". Fashion Task Force members were on the scene immediately to handle the situation. The female was apparently instructed to "march her hiney back upstairs and dress like you ought'a".
1/18/00 - 3:33PM Cigarette lighter taken into custody after apparently "lighting someone's ass on fire".	1/20/00 - 5:19PM Construction workers fined $2,500 for "tearing up" campus.
1/21/00 - 9:45AM Lifeguard staff members reported an overweight man wearing a red Speedo thong at the Dedmon pool.	1/21/00 - 2:10PM A maintenance worker was arrested for excessive speeding in a golf cart.
1/23/00 - 4:31PM 3 custodial staff members in Peters Hall were suspended for "hardly workin'"	1/24/00 - 1:27PM A rusted, brown Chevrolet Chevette was discovered parked in Lot ZZ. The car was towed for spite.
1/27/00 - 6:30PM A staff member reported finding a used condom in the phone booth in Heth Hall.	1/27/00 - 2:10AM A suspicious-looking student was seen loitering outside of Muse Hall. When confronted, the student acted suspiciously suspicious, and was taken into custody for further questioning.
1/29/00 - 12:15PM 3 Students were fined for loitering in the Heth plaza.

Comments:
I know that fat man in the orange speedo...and yes...he should have been taken into custody and beaten senseless....well I've got a date...need to polish the ole ceramic couch ;)

Comments:
and sex is a good thing!

Comments:
Oh come on now....it's an orange, for goodness' sake.

Name: RIGHT WING
Year: SO
Major: CRJU
Comments:
Great article. What gets me is that people should be arrested for some of the given reasons. Fornication is illegal in this state and people should be tried for it. Taking more than one piece of fruit from Dalton is a violation of the honor code.

Name: Brian Korte
Major: Exec. Dir., Whim
Comments:
Thanks for your comments, Whim fan. As a clarification, you are correct. This article is a parody article, and nothing more. None of these events (to my knowledge) actually happened, so don't believe a word of it. :) This (along with every other article in Whim's history) is for your entertainment only. Take it with a grain of salt, and enjoy!

Name: Whim fan
Comments:
This article is consistent with the long line of hilarious parodies Whim puts out. Nice work, "Instigation" team! LOL! :) Already looking forward to your April Fool's edition!